From Victim to Author: How to Lead Yourself Through Perimenopause

I had the most interesting conversation with a friend over lunch yesterday and, like most of us at this age, we somehow ended up talking about hormones and perimenopause (like we always do - I mean it's a hot topic right now).

She told me about a friend whose husband recently said,

“It’s not nice to be around you anymore. You’re always angry, always fighting.”

Ouch.

That one hit deep, because it made me reflect too. I’ve been doing a lot of self-work around this lately, looking at it from every angle. I mean, I know the ins and outs of perimenopause... the common, the weird, and the totally unspoken symptoms, so it’s easy to slip into the comfort of victimhood. But through my work with self-agency and Internal Family Systems (understanding how all our inner voices speak), I’ve learned to hold the duality of both truths: the biology and the responsibility, the chaos and the choice.

Because here’s the thing, and I’ve talked about this in depth in parts 1, 2, and 3 of my Mind of Perimenopause series, yes, hormones play a role.

They absolutely influence our moods, reactions, and how we experience stress.

But no, they’re not an excuse to hurt people, disconnect, or check out of our relationships.

You have self-agency. You still have a choice.

I think this is what makes this phase of our lives so sacred. It's an opportunity, an invitation to meet your new self with awareness, not excuses.

What if instead of seeing this phase as being a victim of our hormones, we saw it as an invitation - an invitation to become the author of your story, not one shaped by imbalance, expectation or input from others, but one authored by our wiser, grounded, beautifully evolving selves?

The Self in Perimenopause

Perimenopause pulls every part of you into the room - the anxious part, the angry one, the exhausted one, the victim, the one who just wants to run away and the sad one, who's emotional about all the things that were.

The Self (with a capital S) is the one observing all of these thoughts, she's the authentic you.

And instead of trying to “fix” them, the Self - that deep, calm, compassionate core, learns to witness them, and fully accept them for who they are, and what role they serve.

The Shift

So yes, hormones affect the parts:

• The cortisol-flooded protector part that’s always on edge.

• The low-dopamine numbed part that feels disconnected and sad.

• The estrogen-deprived pleaser part that’s finally too tired to fake it anymore.

But the Self... she’s constant. She’s not ruled by hormones; she’s informed by them.

She can listen to each part without judgment, saying:

“I see you. You’re trying to keep me safe. But I’ve got us now.”

And that’s the moment the chaos softens into coherence.

It’s not just about “balancing hormones” anymore, (yes we still do that!) it’s about balancing leadership within yourself.

When you connect with the Self, something powerful happens:

you stop trying to “fix” your moods and start leading them.

You listen to each part — the anxious one, the angry one, the flat one — with curiosity instead of shame.

That’s when real healing begins.

Because the truth is, your hormones might fluctuate…

but your Self stays steady.

She’s always there, waiting for you to return.

With grace, always,

Karin